Best Jokes

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird) 2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought) 3. What is the speed of darkness? (absurd) 4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking) 5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows) 6. Can you cry under water? (let me try) 7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else) 8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows) 9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell) 10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes) 11. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch) 12. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed) 13. If corn oil is made...

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Tak...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. 3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers. 4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one. 5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems. 6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass. 7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cockta...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -Albert Einstein The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? -Jean Cocturan It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfeld It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. - Darrin Weinberg "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong a...

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up That morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How man...

Hello all our fellow readers! We have Officially launched a Jokes Group to start a mailing list for our frequent readers. You all can visit our group at http://groups.google.com/group/topjokes and join the mailing list for the latest updates on the Top Funny Jokes! We have also added a Subscibe box in the Sidebar of this blog (thats just below Archives on the right side of your screen) for you to directly subscribe to our mailing list! Happy Joke Reading!

1) BRAIN TUMOR: Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! 2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL: Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Mr. Bean: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE: Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! 4) AT AN ATM MACHINE: Friend: What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)! 5) Marriage: Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry? Mr. Bean: 16 Friend: Why? Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4...

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon. Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions! What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France . "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel. In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off! Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath There is a city called Rome on ev...

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN! The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man." Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE! PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR! The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in tha...

I know this is a Jokes Blog but i just read a news article on Drugs and i decided to write something to help our community: There's many teens and adults out there that have a drug abuse problem and don't know where to turn. There is help through drug rehab programs. Across the nation there are drug addiction treatment centers and some have a success rate of over 85%. Drug abuse can affect your personal life and business life as well as many friends around you. It doesn't have to be that way, it starts with accepting the fact that you may have a drug abuse problem, then seek out a rehabilitation program for your substance abuse. Are you addicted to drugs like cocaine, marijuana, hashish, ecstasy, LSD, Crystal meth? Another drug? Stop the pain you are causing yourself, friends and family and seek help today. If you are a family member looking for a drug rehab center , there are many to choose from, some have payment programs and others do not. Signs of Drug Abuse: * r...

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are "the rules" from the male side. These are "our rules" Please note they are all numbered "1" on PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You are a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday and Sunday = SPORTS. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. LET IT BE. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. So we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one � subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it. 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is ...

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here... so make it a good one." The first guy blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean was instantly turned into beer. "Great move, Einstein," said the ...

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review. To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what "tenjewberrymuds" means by the end of the conversation. Room Service (RS) : "Morrin, Roon Sirbees." Guest (G) : "Sorry I thought I had dialed room-service." RS : "rye. Roon Sirbees...morrin!Jewsih to oddor sunteen??" G : "uh, yes,...I'd like some bacon and eggs.' RS : Ow july den?" G :"What?" RS :"ow july den?pryed, boyud, poochd?" G :"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?sorry. scrambled, please" RS :"ow july dee baykem?crease?" G :"crisp will be fine." RS :"Hokay. An sahn toes?" G :"what?." Rs :"an toes. July sahn toes?." G :"no, I don't think so." Rs :"no, judo wan sahn toes??." G :"I fe...

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before, So pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door. One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!

Newton�s Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily. Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that it�s a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues, tell that you will upgrade it to Lion. George bush method: Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!! Rajnikanth Method: Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself. Jayalalitha Method: Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping! Manirathnam Method (director): Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and...

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot who was still alive but unconscious. He decided to take him home. When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said: . . . . . . "BARS, bread, water...Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!

Chilling Real story!!! True Horror, which took place last month This happened about a month ago near Lonavala. A guy was driving from Mumbai to Pune and decided not to take the new expressway as he wanted to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reached the ghats his Car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town. It was dark and raining. And pretty soon he got wet and Shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by, the rain was heavy he hardly saw a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opened the door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him. He realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the r...

Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I will choose my own bride!" Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok" Next Father approaches Bill Gates. Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done!!

Teacher to Sardar: Make a sentence in which one word is repeated twice. Student: If Lara Dutta Marries Brian Lara, She will become Lara Lara!

* I say no to drugs they just don't listen * A friend in need is a pest indeed. * Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. * Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time. * When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane. * The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train. * Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. * Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. * Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. * If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. * It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. * I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. * A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. * The hardest part of skating is the ice. * My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones. * The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other thre...

For all the football fans out here... A man had two great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the best game of World Cup, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else... a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at her funeral."

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman "I don't w...

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving. 2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. 3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash. 5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. 8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it. 9. True friends stab you in the front. 10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me. 11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. 12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and sh...