Best Jokes

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip. Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go. "One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University." The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question. "Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research." The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question. "Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer. "Why so much?" the interviewer inquired. The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."

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Question: What is the true definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal..... That, my friend, is Globalization!

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This is what u call dedication to one's work...

The first photo was taken when the Chinese president went to US. The second photo was taken when Bush went to China.

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a Technically correct but completely useless answer."

OK, now this is hilarious! Husband: Hi Dear, I am logged in. Wife: Would you like to have some snacks? Husband: Hard disk full. Wife: Have you brought the stuff which i asked for? Husband: Bad command or file name. Wife: But I told you about it in the morning! Husband: Syntax error, abort, retry, cancel. Wife: Oh my God! Forget it, where's your salary? Husband: File in use, read only. try after some time. Wife: At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping. Husband: Sharing violation, access denied. Wife: I made a mistake in marrying you! Husband: Data type mismatch. Wife: You are useless! Husband: By default. Wife: Who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband: System unstable. Press ctrl, alt, del to reboot. Wife: What is my value in your life? Husband: Unknown virus detected. Wife: Do you love me or your computer?! Husband: Too many parameters. Wife: I will go to my dad's house! Husband: Program performed illegal operation, it wil...

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator: Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well� just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Ree. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name! Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree� Caller: Oh� God!!

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Franklin. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, You manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Kapoon, do you know the defense lawyer?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Shalon since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drink...

Vote For Us Today! We have been nominated in the Blogger's Choice Awards! This can be a great "you vote for us, we'll vote for you" kinda thing. You will need to set up a user account and at that point you can either submit your own blog for votes or do the next best thing...vote for Top Jokes Blog . Thank you to all who are voting. If you also have a blog nominated please let us know that you voted for us and leave your blog address in the comment section and we will also vote for you.

Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity. He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't start his swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snow ball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Lewis had a crush on a beautiful girl. Unknown to Lewis, his friend Johnny also liked the girl and was upset that Lewis was able to talk to her and get to know her so easily. Lewis finally decided he would make a bold move. He told the girl that for her 21st birthday he would send her a red rose for each year. He thought that it would really impress the girl and win her heart to him. After Lewis ordered the flowers, Johnny stopped by the flower shop and told the florist he wanted to increase the order by another dozen flowers for his friend. Lewis never did find out what made the beautiful girl so angry that she would not speak to him.

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator replied, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302." The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

A young girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher told her that it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human because whales have a very small throat for such a huge mammal. The young girl reminded her teacher that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a man. The young girl then said, "Well, when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." With that the teacher stated, "What if Jonah went to hell?" "Well," the little girl replied, "then you can ask him."

A missionary in the desert finds a lost man and takes him to his house where he nurses him back to health. When the man is feeling better, he asks the missionary if he could borrow his horse to ride into town. The missionary replies, "Yes, but this is a special horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go, and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man acknowledges his understanding. The man mounts the horse and says, "Thank God." The horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God," and the horse starts running full speed. Soon the man sees a cliff coming up and he tries to stop the horse. He hollers everything he can think of, such as "Whoa, stop," etc. Nothing works. Finally he remembers what the missionary said and hollers, "Amen!!" The horse stops inch...

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got up early, made her a big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to the local theme park. He put her on every ride in the park. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They went to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then he took her to a movie, bought her a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

My four-year-old daughter and I were taking a walk when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to and she asked me "Why?" "Because, Honey, it's been laying outside on the ground and is dirty and has germs on it." She looked at me in amazement and asked, "Wow, how do you know all that stuff?" Thinking quickly, I said, "Because it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know this stuff or you can't be a mommy." She pondered that information for a minute or two, and said, "Oh, I get it! If you flunk you have to be the daddy!"

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere myself." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says, "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, getting annoyed, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!" The rabbit hops off. But the next day it hops into the butchers again and again asks "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any damn cabbages! If you come in here again asking for cabbages I'm will nail your ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day it hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replies angrily, "NO" "Okay," says the rabbit with a grin, "what about cabbages?"

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voi...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Well this may sound a bit weird but you should checkout what the people at PayPerPost Blog came up with. They are trying to get people to post comments on a blog post to create a place in the Guinness World Records for the longest blog comment chain ever! They are aiming for a minimum of 2,000 "unique human generated comments of 25 words or more each generated within 1 week of the original post." Of course there are some rules set for the comments record to be valid. The author cannot contribute more than 10 percent of total posts. Each participant has to write a comment having a minimum of 25 words and also, the commenter has to comment within 1 week of the original post. Well I would be very much interested to see how far this goes because this is being done for the first time in the internet's history. Have you ever heard of this type of a record being set in the Guinness World Records? At least that's not the case with me. If you have heard about anything like th...

Part 2 of the Courtroom Quotations series: Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?" Witness: "Four times." Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?" Lawyer: "She had three children, right?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "How many were boys?" Witness: "None." Lawyer: "Were there girls?" Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?" Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?" Witness: "Not yet." Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the ...

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know." Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year." Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall ...

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story. It seems the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the ...

We are currently looking for good Blog Designers who are interested in designing a new template for this blog. We are not anymore interested in the free ones as they are used by almost everybody out there. We basically want a designer who can design a new and exclusive theme/template for this blog and we're willing to pay about $50 for the new theme/template. Please contact me at archit36 [at] Gmail [dot] com for discussing the rates and other details for the project.

Hello Top Jokes Blog Readers! We are finally back after a very long break. Sorry for the re-opening delay which was actually scheduled for the 8 th of April because we were having a few difficulties with the new template which we were going to disclose with this re-opening. Anyways, now we are going to be BIGGER 'n' BETTER and will be posting jokes almost everyday. There are a lot of things that we have updated: Changed the "Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) " and the Feed Auto discovery to FeedBurner. Added a Labels Cloud to the Sidebar. Modified the Donate Buttons On the Performance Side, you will notice that the loading speed has increased because we have changed a few template codings. There have been many more updates backstage which is a bit too messy to explain here. We have also removed all the ads from this page and will only do properly Disclosed Sponsored Posts for raising funds for Charity and also for the running of this Humor Blog.