Best Jokes

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " and left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Harry felt Ron and Hermione drop motionless and stupefied in his back. "Ron, Hermione are you..." Harry sat beside them with his wand clutched tightly in his hand, litting brightly on the tip. "Welcome, Harry!" a voice echoed in the dark of the Godrics Hollow. Harry turned to his back and tried to find the source of the voice. "Lumous", again echoed the voice. A wand, in the middle of the hall litted on the tip. A white scull and icy expressional face was now clearly visible. "Remember this place, Harry!� said Voldemort, "Your Father was dead on the place where you are now standing. I killed him and walked over him to get you." "You will die... I will kill you." Harry yelled. "You can never kill me Harry!" laughed Voldemort. "You will never know the secret. I am immortal." "I destroyed five of your Horcruxes." Sneered Harry. "...and you come here in search of the sixth" snapped Voldemort. ...

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section Buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you Buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it Buy a dog If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want Buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies Buy a dog. If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually Buy a dog. But, on the...

Hello Top Jokes Readers! We have added and modified a few things in this blog. For a full detail of the updates click the "Read More..." Link: The Peek-A-Boo Posts: From now on you will see summarized versions of the Jokes published here and if those first few teasers you think are good then you can click the "Read More" Button to read the full thing(Don't worry, the full thing will not open in a new page or refresh the existing page, It will just expand the teaser post). FeedBurner Blog Updated Subscription Box: We have added another box under the Subscribe box where you can subscribe for the TopJokes Blog posts by entering your email powered by FeedBurner. We have also made a few changes to our blog's template which you might have not noticed but this has been done to simplify and improve our viewer's experience. That's All Folks, Top Jokes Blog

Yo! Top Jokes readers, We have introduced the new Peek-A-Boo Posts in Non-Beta Blogs! Click the "Read More..." link below to see: Well isn't it cool? So from now on the posts here will be in this type for all you reader's ease.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This ...

This is really exciting and great for we at Top Jokes to receive the Bestest Blog of the Day . We thank all the readers for the appreciation and support given to us and helping us rise from a small and mediocre Jokes Blog to an Award Winning Blog . Once again, Thanks to BestestBlog.com and our Readers, Top Jokes Blog P.S. Browes some of our high rated Jokes: Father-in-law's Letter , Heights , and The CIA's Assassin , How to build a webpage in 25 steps , What the teacher says (and what the teacher means!) .

A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeshore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in and saves her. The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield. "Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you! A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield. Thank you! Your mother-in-law who loves you! A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks: "Finaly! It's about time that this old witch dies! The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message� THANK YOU! Your father-in-law.

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George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a bat...

There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'. Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. I was born intelligent - education ruined me. Practice makes perfect.... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. One should love animals. They are so tasty. Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. "Your future depend s on your dreams" So go to sleep There ...

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. ( He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes ). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact With fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment, she creates a class argument). 8. John enj...

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It s**ked. AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimat...