Best Jokes

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other. HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails. HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week. HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down. HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.' HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply. HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself. HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by some one in the receiving chain.

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense........... Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy s...

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes. 2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks. 3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes. 4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute. 5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days. 6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes. 7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes. 8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours. 9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute. 10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours. 11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds. 12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is ...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into th...

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, - "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put...

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language�No further questions!!) One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". but at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this, he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally, as the ninth year of s...

"I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?" --in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005 (caught by TV cameras) . 1) "You work three jobs? � Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 2) See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 3) "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." 4) "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." �On the prospect of visiting Denmark. 5) "But Iraq has�have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future....

SHE : I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours! HE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!! SHE : May I have the pleasure of this dance? HE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!! SHE: How did you get to be so beautiful? HE: I must have been given your share!!! SHE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? HE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!! SHE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out! HE: Okay, get out!!! SHE: I think I could make you very happy HE: Why? Are you leaving? SHE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me? HE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!! SHE: Can I have your name? HE: Why, don't you already have one? SHE: Shall we go and see a film? HE: I've already seen it!!! SHE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together? HE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!! SHE: Where have you been all my life? HE: Hiding from you. SHE: Haven't I seen you some place before? HE: ...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to...

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. He went to tell Edna the news. He said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can ...

So, there once was a millionaire from the middle-east, who was very, very stubborn. He was walking through town with his son, little Bob. They passed a store, and little Bob says:"Daddy, daddy! can I buy one of those hats?" -"No" said the man, "we dont have any money to spend son". So, with a bit of dissapointment, he understood, and they kept on walking. Then, they passed a toy store, and the same thing happened. But little Bob knew that his father loved flying. So when he saw a sign that read:"Airplane Rides", he asked his father. The man hessitated at first, but then he agreed on one condition: If it wasnt too expensive. So they got on the plane, and when they were already airborne, he asked the pilot:"How much is the ride?" -"One thousand dollars" said the pilot. "WHAT?!?!?"-said the man. Alarmed by the man's reaction, the pilot made a deal with the man:"If you or your son stay quiet, not making a sound,...

Moral of the picture: Friends may not be able to pull you up... BUT they will still think of ways not to let you fall... If we are infringing any copyright issues by posing this image here please post your comments here with an ownership proof and we will remove it.